Faking it

Well, maybe not so normal.

I haven't been posting, you're right. I went and rode several times after that last post, and then things kind of exploded. It's been a combination of not feeling good physically, some depression, and a lot of money problems that are in no way my fault. Of course, knowing that the money problems aren't my fault doesn't help -- I still get really down about it. So I've spent the last couple weeks in a pretty thick fog. I can't get up the oomph to go to the barn and even brush my poor horse, much less ride her. Being sick hasn't helped, either; coughing and wheezing isn't all that productive.

So I've been away from the barn for various reasons, physical, mental, and financial. I've gotten to the point now, though, that I need to just suck it up and do it. Fake it until I make it, basically. I'm still tired, still a little foggy, still feeling not good enough and like a failure, still not able to take lessons for the rest of the month due to money issues, and generally feeling pretty down. But I have to just fight through. I've had a break, and I have enough gas to get around now, not to mention two new tires (surprise), and like I said -- I have to fake it until I make it, emotionally and mentally. Even if I'm not feeling up to riding, even if all I really want to do is go home and be a lump, I have to fake myself into going to the barn and riding. A few days of going through the motions should, I hope, remind me how much I love what I do and how un-fun it is to be depressed. I wish I didn't have to deal with this sort of thing, even on the semi-annual basis that I get it. I know lots of people who have to deal with this kind of depression every day, every week, things like that. I'm extraordinarily fortunate, but not so fortunate that I don't have to deal with it at all.

Anyway, yes. Riding tonight, and tomorrow, and every day this week except maybe Friday. Just Do It. Yeah?