Monday, February 20, 2012

Faking it

Well, maybe not so normal.

I haven't been posting, you're right. I went and rode several times after that last post, and then things kind of exploded. It's been a combination of not feeling good physically, some depression, and a lot of money problems that are in no way my fault. Of course, knowing that the money problems aren't my fault doesn't help -- I still get really down about it. So I've spent the last couple weeks in a pretty thick fog. I can't get up the oomph to go to the barn and even brush my poor horse, much less ride her. Being sick hasn't helped, either; coughing and wheezing isn't all that productive.

So I've been away from the barn for various reasons, physical, mental, and financial. I've gotten to the point now, though, that I need to just suck it up and do it. Fake it until I make it, basically. I'm still tired, still a little foggy, still feeling not good enough and like a failure, still not able to take lessons for the rest of the month due to money issues, and generally feeling pretty down. But I have to just fight through. I've had a break, and I have enough gas to get around now, not to mention two new tires (surprise), and like I said -- I have to fake it until I make it, emotionally and mentally. Even if I'm not feeling up to riding, even if all I really want to do is go home and be a lump, I have to fake myself into going to the barn and riding. A few days of going through the motions should, I hope, remind me how much I love what I do and how un-fun it is to be depressed. I wish I didn't have to deal with this sort of thing, even on the semi-annual basis that I get it. I know lots of people who have to deal with this kind of depression every day, every week, things like that. I'm extraordinarily fortunate, but not so fortunate that I don't have to deal with it at all.

Anyway, yes. Riding tonight, and tomorrow, and every day this week except maybe Friday. Just Do It. Yeah?


  1. Do it, for sure. Money issues suck (as do the other issues you listed). Hang in there! It will be March soon.

  2. For me, sometimes I have to help myself take the next step... the one foot in front of the other cure. Be kind to yourself. Chant - This too shall pass. The hard part about feeling bad is that it feels like it will last forever. If we did the same with good things, it would make life so much easier!