Long, pondering.

And, to quote a quotation L. Williams posted, "you haven't failed until you quit trying."

I need to keep reminding myself of this.  And of the fact that I just don't seem to be able to quit.  Take breaks, yes.  Quit, no.

I'm still in the valley I've been in since the derby, emotionally.  I'm ready (and have begun) to start climbing, but it's difficult.  I have a bunch of work ahead of me, and only half of it is physical or on the horse.

Talked to MT and TW a little yesterday.  Not for long or in any deep way, but I'm wondering if Reveille is the right horse for me.    On the one hand, I don't trust her as much as I think I should -- I'm still worried she's going to buck me off, even though she hasn't tried recently at all.  I'm not 100% confident that she'll jump, even though every time she hasn't it's been my fault.   I feel like we should be way farther along than we are, even though we're farther than we were, by a long shot.   A friend did point out, though, that when one is in a valley like I am, everyone else seems wayyyyyy up there.  And it seems like no one else ever goes through what one goes through when one is in a valley, like no one else ever slips down into the dark places.

And yet I know it's not true.  I know.   I just need to convince my emotional self to get in line with my intellectual self, and I'm set.

Anyway, on the other hand, Rev is, as horses go, an extremely safe ride and a calm ride.   She's not extra spooky -- no more so than any other horse, and less than most -- she's not a bolter, she doesn't rear, and she's not so interested in piling me any more.  She's the right size for me, height and build wise.  She's athletic.  She's smart.  And when I'm not in a dark place, she and I are very well matched.   And every time I've thought of selling her in the past, I've chosen to wait and keep her, and I've been glad every time.

MT's question when I asked him if I should sell Rev was "well, what then?"  My answer is that I'd buy something else, something much more been-there-done-that, something willing to pack me when I need it but help me learn to ride correctly and effectively too.  Something willing to forgive if I mess up.   Something not too tall.  I'm willing to do some maintenance on an older horse or one with slight issues, like Grayson or Brego, but not to prop up a horse on its last legs.

I  guess the question boils down to whether my confidence in myself as half of the me/Rev team is going to be enough and whether I'd be trading up if I were to sell her and get another horse.   Am I having fun with this horse?   Lately?  No.  Overall?  Actually, yes.  She can be so wonderful when she just goes forward.

And I guess that's what I need to remember.  If I learn to ride her better, we have a great time.   Maybe I ought to just pull back for a year.   Wait and see how I feel about it next spring.

TW suggested that I go back to just doing ground poles and flat work ... I'd kind of rather just step the jumps back down to 2' or so and work over small jumps.  Ground poles are so. boring.  :)  I'd like to get to the point that 2' - 2'3 is deeply boring too, actually!!   We'll see.  Longe line lessons have also been suggested, and I am definitely interested in that.  I'll talk to MT this weekend at lessons.

I kind of want a specific training plan, too.  I ought to pick up one of Woff's books about gymnastic exercises or something and work with one or two a week, maybe.  And build a specific gym/workout schedule for myself too.

Hmmm.   I think we can work our way out of this valley.  I can, and I know Rev can.  Just ... work.  Right?